On a warm night, meet a perfect girl

This is especially suitable for young lovers in school, but after all, there are only a few students who can hold their lover's hand in the dark. Most students will still come down from different floors and rush onto this long road. The dormitory is much more comfortable than the classroom.

I was one of the few students who didn't hold my lover's hand, and I was willing to leave only when the lights were turned off at ten o'clock. It's not that I love studying so much, but it was the noisiest time when the bell rang.

If you walk back to the dormitory at a normal pace, it will take ten minutes. If there are too many students together and it is crowded, it will take 15-20 minutes. From that time on, I was a quiet person.

A person has walked through countless such nights in the three years that are about to end. He likes the rare sense of relaxation that this distance brings to him, but sometimes he can't help but be afraid: Will he always walk on such a "one-way street"?

I forget from that day on, when I looked around or looked up into the distance, a girl would appear repeatedly in front of me. Occasionally with friends. I can change the world and change myself.

She is alone most of the time, and occasionally with two friends, but she is rarely seen in a group of people. There were only a few people scattered along a long corridor.

She had straight long hair and a ponytail. She was tall and thin as if she could be blown away by a gust of wind. She was not outstanding, but she was easy to remember among the generally simple boarders. So I remembered her after seeing her a few times.

As long as you pay a little attention, you can easily learn information about a classmate. She majored in liberal arts, and her classroom was on the third floor—the one on the left facing us upstairs.

The teaching building for the third grade of high school has two circular corridors on the east and west, and our classroom is located closest to the east (west) corridor. Due to the principle of proximity, if she wants to go downstairs, she will definitely pass by this corridor.

Fortunately, I was in the classroom near the window during that time, so I could immediately detect anything happening outside.

She doesn't necessarily leave the classroom every time after the lights go out. Sometimes when I see her going downstairs, I will slowly follow her. Sometimes I would wait in the corridor. When I saw her coming down the third floor corridor, I would deliberately slow down. I thought maybe she might come over and give me a gentle pat.

But no, every time we go on as we are...

I think we have faced each other many times, such as when we looked around together on the long road back to the dormitory, and when I just left the classroom and raised my head, she happened to look down from the corridor, but we never said "Hi, what a coincidence" or smiled.

Maybe I can definitely feel the same emotion in her eyes as mine, because there is always a pause of 0.5 seconds when facing her head-on. This kind of "reading eyes" can be said to be a very narcissistic and rare ability when I was young. But most of the time what I can see is an illusion that is much deeper than their own emotions. Maybe that's what caused a lot of disappointment for me, including that girl.

Every time I walked beside her, I envisioned countless encounter scenarios, "Hey, I seem to see you every day."

"Can you make a friend?" "Do you like running?" "I have a basketball game next Monday. Can you come and watch it?"

After thinking about it, I looked up and saw her, but in the end I lowered my head silently. The reason was out of inner inferiority and timidity. I don’t know if she also feels the same emotion, or if it’s just an illusion.

So every time I thought about it but couldn't get it, I gradually let go of that emotion, because no matter how hard I struggled in my heart, I still couldn't actually do that. I simply suppressed that impulse.

And when I really extinguished that impulse, she really rarely had the chance to walk in front of me again. Even after evening self-study, I would still keep sneaking a few more glances at the stairs.

When the scene in the dream actually appears in our real life, we are often timid: it is because we think too much:

Is he my prince?

Is she my princess?

If I take the initiative to come forward like this, will he like me?

So when countless such thoughts were questioned, the lucky time slipped away quietly. Then I felt extremely regretful in my heart. It would be great if the story just happened to me.

Only when you know how to appreciate small joys can you turn defeat into victory in the battle against time.

Whenever I have time recently, I will reread the words from the eighteen-year-old diary. I always gain something new after each reading. The following content is from November 29, 2014.

01

It was evening, the sun was setting in the west, and when I looked up I could see the yellowing dead leaves outside the window and the slightly darkening sky - there was sunshine, but it was not that warm.

Before you know it, late autumn has begun to turn into early winter

In the winter season, as long as you get any warmth, you will be much more tender and touching than in other seasons; but I am here, but I am far less touched by the feeling of home.

I recently put a calendar on my desk and developed the habit of crossing out a day after every day. Then I slowly discovered that the most important thing I could remember and wanted to do every day was to cross out that day.

Not every day is so meaningful, and not every day has so many things and people to remember.

This is the result of staying at the same school for more than two years.

Of course, but that doesn’t mean all of them. There are still many moments that I want to record but are delayed because I can’t. For example: a person is jogging on the playground at dusk, being woken up by the sound of rain or dreaming in the middle of the night... and sometimes even hearing the sound of rain after waking up. Then I wanted to record that dream, and fell asleep again while thinking about it. When I woke up the next day, I couldn't remember anything...

02

There are many novels placed under the desk, some borrowed from classmates or the reading room, and some just bought from the school's discount bookstore with monthly pocket money a few days ago; they are all books that do not have much nutritional value to absorb after reading.

I started to feel a little unbearable when I saw the books I exchanged for my pocket money, and this feeling increased dramatically after I turned 18 - whether it was buying snacks in the school supermarket or buying new clothes and other things that had nothing to do with my basic life.

Because I am using the money my parents earned with their hard work and sweat.

I don’t know if this can be considered some issues to think about from an adult’s perspective. The older I get, the more I discover:

In fact, I am very happy to enter the world of adults, think what they think, and do what they do. Although I still often play around, talk and laugh with my classmates.

I tried my best to hide the inner maturity and reluctance to adapt to the surrounding environment, because I can't change anything at all.

03

People are undoubtedly most emotional when they are alone;

I wonder if other people experience different stages of loneliness. But for me, what I often listen to now is Leslie Cheung’s music. From Jay Chou to Guo Jingming's novels to the classic and nostalgic Leslie Cheung, it has gone through a long process.

But this does not mean the end. You can find something different from this stage in different stages in the future.

I forget which work I read from. The life of each of us is a process of slowly moving from the group to loneliness, and from loneliness to plainness and quietness. In the end, you are the only one who can accompany you, and the only one who can understand you is your own heart.

Although I cannot understand the state of mind at the end of the text, I think each stage must have its own specific meaning.

And loneliness is one of those stages.

As a person grows up, he has his own ideas about many things. The existence and disappearance of these ideas, whether they are implemented or suppressed, is often up to you. In other words, the most rare thing for people is the ability to always maintain their inner thoughts;

04.

A while ago, I was impressed by the promotion of the movie "The Year in a Hurry", so I read the original novel in advance. My thoughts afterwards were:

Every touching friendship or love can only appear in novels. In reality, as our vision and attitude change at different times, it is difficult to find someone who truly appreciates each other, let alone a lifelong love.

Maybe now I simply don’t have the ability to see those ordinary things as the highlights of my hard work, so I don’t care about many things around me, but I am extremely eager to get the care of others around me.

Another way to say it may be that the more deeply you care about something, the harder it is to express that care (for example: LHY, WF, ZXY)

The more hurried the senior year of high school is, the easier it is to think of certain people and the easier it is to be absent-minded. I don’t know when I will get to the point where I can no longer remember you.

Many stories end with regret and unwillingness like "The Year in a Hurry". But no matter what, in the end they don't know each other and don't owe each other.

So I can only say:

Some people are used to grow, some are used to be unforgettable, some are used to remember, and some are used to forget. For all the things in time, we must retreat, tolerate, be self-sufficient, and be compassionate. Only when you understand that small joys can be appreciated can you turn defeat into victory when fighting against time. The happiness that belongs to you will come uninvited.

I rarely see my father, but only once a month with my mother. The three of us are in different places, busy with different things; time is not rushed, and it does not slow down slightly because of a little touching plot; while being protected by our parents, we do not realize that they are getting older day by day. Until a few days ago...

Because his father couldn't do a heavy job, he decided to give up that job, while his mother kept scolding him, and finally the two quarreled. I have heard this happen no less than a hundred times. I used to walk away immediately and leave them alone, but what about now? I would reprimand them severely, "If you want a divorce, leave as soon as possible."

For a moment, I feel that I have really grown up. In the past, I always felt that my father was an irresponsible person and failed to protect my mother's body and fulfill the responsibilities of a husband and father.

But now I feel that no matter how much I blame him, he still raised me until I was in high school and turned eighteen. It's just that there are a lot of personal sufferings and few favorable conditions. But now, I feel a lot less blame in my heart, because what he gave me can only go so far, and I still have to walk the rest of the way on my own.

I set the time of my independence at the age of nineteen, nearly six months later. I will start to look for a life that belongs to me, although I don’t know what “belonging” means.

Maybe then I will stay away from them, maybe I will stay with them and watch them grow old.

I will be reduced to an office worker, wearing a uniform on the busy streets every day, just like most young people; it is impossible to go to Starbucks or buy luxury goods. But I think I will work hard. I hope that one day, my mother will no longer have to use money to measure her mood. She can also live a prosperous life. My father does not have to work so hard and can rest when he is tired. More importantly, I hope to create good enough conditions for my next generation...

These can be ordinary or great. ——2014,12,28 "I don’t want to make a living, I want to live"